Habit 4: Think Win/Win

from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey (1989)

3 Main Ideas

• A Win/Win framework is one that seeks to generate mutually beneficial outcomes for all parties in a relationship, agreement, or partnership. It is an attitude that says that both parties in an agreement can win.
• The Win/Win framework is based on an abundance mindset; on the view that there is plenty for everybody, and that one person’s success is not achieved at the expense of others. It is an attitude that says that both parties in an agreement can win; a belief that there is enough resources or success to go around, and that your success or achievement does not take away from mine.
• In order to secure Win/Win agreements, one must really seek to understand the other party’s point of view. You must detach the person from the problem, and seek to procure mutually beneficial outcomes for all parties based on their interests, not their personalities.

5 Key Takeaways

• Win/Win is a public victory. A Public Victory does not mean victory over other people. It means success in effective interaction that brings mutually beneficial results to everyone involved. Win/Win is a paradigm of human interaction that focuses on securing mutually beneficial outcomes.
• In the long run, anything less than Win/Win in an interdependent reality is a poor second best. If both parties do not mutually benefit in an interdependent situation, both parties will ultimately lose in the long run.
• Creating Win/Win agreements requires a focus on results, not methods. Hold people accountable for the outcomes, and reduce the focus on how they achieve those outcomes, within the specified guidelines, and with the requisite resources. By holding them accountable for results, there is reduced need for micro-management. People will evaluate themselves, and hold themselves accountable for achieving the agreed-upon outcomes.
• You can only achieve Win/Win solutions with Win/Win processes – the end and the means are the same.
• How to Apply the “Principled” Approach to Negotiating
  1. See the problem from the other person’s point of view.
     1. Really seek to understand and to give expression to the needs and concerns of the other party as well as or better than they can themselves.
  2. Identify the key issues and concerns (not positions) involved.
  3. Determine what results would constitute a fully acceptable solution.
  4. Identify possible new options to achieve those results.

Top Quotes

• Win/Win is based on the paradigm that there is plenty for everybody, that one person’s success is not achieved at the expense or exclusion of the success of others. (261)
• In the long run, if it isn’t a win for both of us, we both lose. That’s why Win/Win is the only real alternative in interdependent realities. (267)
• The Abundance Mentality …. flows out of a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is the paradigm that there is plenty out there and enough to spare for everybody. It results in sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives, and creativity. (276)
• A true Win/Win agreement is the product of the paradigm, the character, and the relationships out of which it grows. (287)
• Balance what you want with what others want. Be courageous. And considerate. (299)

Summary

Habit 4, “Think Win/Win”, is the first of the “public victories” –  the ways in which we relate to other people. It is a habit of effective interpersonal leadership. “Think Win/Win” is the habit of ensuring mutually beneficial outcomes in interdependent situations. It is an unselfish way of relating to or partnering with other people in that it seeks to generate mutually beneficial outcomes.

“Win/Win is not a personality technique. It’s a total paradigm of human interaction. It comes from a character of integrity, maturity, and the Abundance Mentality. It grows out of high-trust relationships. It is embodied in agreements that effectively clarify and manage expectations as well as accomplishment. It thrives in supportive systems. And it is achieved through the process we are now prepared to more fully examine in Habits 5 and 6.”  (292)

In recurring partnerships or interactions, Win/Win is the only real alternative out of the six different paradigms of human relationship. If both parties do not mutually benefit in an interdependent situation, both parties will ultimately lose. For instance, there is no “winner” in a marriage. If one partner constantly wins at the expense of the other, both partners ultimately lose in the long run.

So, it’s important to approach relationships from the perspective of trying to find a solution that benefits all parties involved, instead of trying to win at someone else’s expense. In the long run, Win-Win is the foundation for getting along with other people, and for creating effective partnerships and relationships.

Habit 4: Think Win/Win

Six Paradigms of Human Interaction

1. Win/Win
2. Win/Lose
3. Lose/Win
4. Lose/Lose
5. Win
6. Win/Win or No Deal

Win/Win

• A framework of thinking that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions.
• Agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial & mutually satisfying
• A Win/Win framework views life as a cooperative, not a competitive arena.

Win/Lose

• A framework of thinking that prioritizes your success at the expense of others. It says, “If I win, you lose”.
• It is the authoritarian approach; my way or the highway
• Win/Lose people tend to use position, power, status, credentials, possessions, or personality to get their way.
• Life is viewed as a zero-sum competition, with winners and losers.

Lose/Win

• Some people are programmed the other way—Lose/Win. “I lose, you win.” (263)
• Lose/Win is worse than Win/Lose because it has no standards—no demands, no expectations, no vision. People who think Lose/Win are usually quick to please or appease. They seek strength from popularity or acceptance. They have little courage to express their own feelings and convictions and are easily intimidated by the ego strength of others. (264)
• In negotiation, Lose/Win is seen as capitulation—giving in or giving up. In leadership style, it’s permissiveness or indulgence. Lose/Win means being a nice guy, even if “nice guys finish last.” (264)
• But the problem is that Lose/Win people bury a lot of feelings. And unexpressed feelings never die: they’re buried alive and come forth later in uglier ways. (264)
• People who are constantly repressing, not transcending feelings toward a higher meaning, find that it affects the quality of their self-esteem and eventually the quality of their relationships with others. (264)

Lose/Lose

• When two Win/Lose people get together—that is, when two determined, stubborn, ego-invested individuals interact—the result will be Lose/Lose. Both will lose. Both will become vindictive and want to “get back” or “get even,” blind to the fact that murder is suicide, that revenge is a two-edged sword. (265)
• Lose/Lose is the philosophy of adversarial conflict, the philosophy of war. (265)
• Lose/Lose is also the philosophy of the highly dependent person without inner direction who is miserable and thinks everyone else should be, too. (265)

Win

• People with the Win mentality don’t necessarily want someone else to lose. That’s irrelevant. What matters is that they get what they want. (265)
• When there is no sense of contest or competition, Win is probably the most common approach in everyday negotiation. A person with the Win mentality thinks in terms of securing his own ends—and leaving it to others to secure theirs. (265)

Win/Win or No Deal

• an even higher expression of Win/Win
• No Deal basically means that if we can’t find a solution that would benefit us both, we agree to disagree agreeably—No Deal. No expectations have been created, no performance contracts established. (269)
• It is so much better to realize this up front instead of downstream, when expectations have been created and both parties have been disillusioned. (269)
  • E.g. dating, marriage or a business partnership
• It would be better not to deal than to live with a decision that wasn’t right for us both. (269)
• Anything less than Win/Win in an interdependent reality is a poor second best that will have impact in the long-term relationship. (270)
• If you can’t reach a true Win/Win, you’re very often better off to go for No Deal. (270)

Five Dimensions of Win/Win

1. Character
2. Relationships
3. Agreements
4. Structure/Systems
5. Process

Character

• Character is the foundation of Win/Win; everything builds on that foundation
• Character Traits Essential to Win/Win
•  Integrity

• • Integrity is the ability to make and follow through on our promises.
  • We develop self-awareness and independent will by making and keeping meaningful promises and commitments.
  • We can’t achieve Win/Win if we don’t know what constitutes a win, ie., what is in line with our innermost values and desires.
  • If we can’t make and keep commitments to ourselves as well as to others, our commitments become meaningless. (273)
• Maturity

• • Maturity is the balance between courage and consideration. (273)
  • Emotional maturity is “the ability to express one’s own feelings and convictions balanced with consideration for the thoughts and feelings of others.” [Hrand Saxenian] (273)
  • Maturity requires you to not only be considerate and sensitive (of the long-term welfare of other stakeholders), but also brave enough to speak up and express your own feelings and opinions.
  • The balance of high courage and consideration is the essence of real maturity and is fundamental to Win/Win.
• Abundance Mentality

• • the paradigm that there is plenty out there for everybody.
  • In direct contrast to Scarcity Mentality:
    • The Scarcity Mentality is the zero-sum paradigm of life. (275)
    • Resources are limited; if someone were to get a big piece of pie, that means less for everybody else
    • Their sense of worth comes from being compared, and someone else’s success, to some degree, means their failure. Only so many people can be “A” students; only one person can be “number one.” To “win” simply means to “beat.” (275)
  • The Abundance Mentality flows out of a deep internal sense of personal worth and security. You’re not threatened by others’ success, encourage collaboration, and seek out mutually beneficial outcomes.
  • It results in sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives, and creativity. (276)

Relationships

• Relationships are built on the foundation of character.
• Trust, the Emotional Bank Account, is the essence of Win/Win.
• Without trust, the best we can do is compromise; without trust, we lack the credibility for open, mutual learning and communication and real creativity. (277)
• You make deposits into the Emotional Bank Account through genuine courtesy, respect, and appreciation for that person and for the other point of view….the stronger you are—the more genuine your character, the higher your level of proactivity, the more committed you really are to Win/Win—the more powerful your influence will be with that other person. (278)
• Our most constant relationships, like marriage, require our most constant deposits. With continuing expectations, old deposits evaporate. (240)
• Not all decisions need to be Win/Win, even when the Emotional Bank Account (ie. trust) is high. (279)

Emotional Bank Account

• The Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship. It’s the feeling of safeness you have with another human being. (239)
• You make deposits into an Emotional Bank Account through continuing acts of courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping your commitments to another person; you build up a reserve (of trust) with that individual. When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective.
• If a large reserve of trust is not sustained by continuing deposits, a marriage will deteriorate. Instead of rich, spontaneous understanding and communication, the situation becomes one of accommodation, where two people simply attempt to live independent lifestyles in a fairly respectful and tolerant way. The relationship may further deteriorate to one of hostility and defensiveness. (240)

Six Major Deposits that Build the Emotional Bank Account

1. Understanding the Individual
   • You need to genuinely understand the other person.
   • To make a deposit, what is important to another person must be as important to you as the other person is to you. (242)
   • If we make deposits based on our projections on assumptions of what we think they want (or on what we want), instead of understanding their genuine desires, our efforts will not be taken as a deposit.
2. Attending to the Little Things
   • In relationships, the little things are the big things.
   • Small unkindnesses, subtle forms of disrespect within a relationship will cause others to put up walls around their feelings.
   • Details matter. The little things matter.
3. Keeping Commitments
   • Cultivate the habit of keeping the promises that you make
   • Keeping a commitment or a promise is a major deposit; breaking one is a major withdrawal. (245)
   • In fact, there’s probably not a more massive withdrawal than to make a promise that’s important to someone and then not to come through. The next time a promise is made, they won’t believe it.  (245)
4. Clarifying Expectations
   • Make expectations as clear and explicit as possible to prevent prevent misunderstanding and conflict, especially at the beginning of new relationships or situations.
   • We create many negative situations by simply assuming that our expectations are self-evident and that they are clearly understood and shared by other people. (248)
5. Showing Personal Integrity
   • Integrity is conforming reality to our words—in other words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations. (248)
   • Treat everyone by the same set of principles.
     • It’s how you treat the one that reveals how you regard the ninety-nine, because everyone is ultimately a one. (250)
   • Avoid deception, condescension, or manipulation
   • Be loyal to those who are not present. Defend those who are absent.
6. Apologizing Sincerely When You Make a Withdrawal
   • Apologize sincerely when you make withdrawals from the emotional bank account
   • Sincere apologies make deposits; repeated apologies interpreted as insincere make withdrawals.  (252)

Agreements

• Agreements flow out of relationships.
• Win/Win agreements focus on results, not methods. People evaluate themselves, and consequences become the natural or logical result of performance rather than a reward or punishment arbitrarily handed out by the person in charge. (285)
• Elements Essential to Win/Win Agreements

1. 1. Desired Results
   2. Guidelines
   3. Resources
   4. Accountability
   5. Consequences

• 4 Kinds of Consequences (285)
  1. Financial:
     • income, stock options, allowances, or penalties, etc.
  2. Psychic/Psychological:
     • recognition, approval, respect, credibility, or the loss of them.
     • Unless people are in survival mode, psychic compensation is often more motivating than financial compensation.
  3. Opportunity:
     • training, development, perks, etc
  4. Responsibility:
     • has to do with scope and authority, either of which can be enlarged or diminished.

Systems

• You get what you reward.
• Win/Win can only survive in an organization when the systems support it.
• If you talk Win/Win but reward Win/Lose in practice, you’re going to fail.
• Win/Win cannot survive in an environment of competition and contest.
• For Win/Win to work, the systems have to support it. The training system, the planning system, the communication system, the budgeting system, the information system, the compensation system—all have to be based on the principle of Win/Win. (288)
• So often the problem is in the system, not in the people. If you put good people in bad systems, you get bad results. You have to water the flowers you want to grow. (290)

Processes

• There’s no way to achieve Win/Win ends with Win/Lose or Lose/Win means.
• You can only achieve Win/Win solutions with Win/Win processes—the end and the means are the same.
• “Principled” Approach to Bargaining
  • the essence of principled negotiation is
    • to separate the person from the problem,
    • to focus on interests and not on positions,
    • to invent options for mutual gain,
    • to insist on objective criteria—some external standard or principle that both parties can buy into.
• How to Apply the “Principled” Approach to Negotiating

1. 1. See the problem from the other person’s point of view.
      1. Really seek to understand and to give expression to the needs and concerns of the other party as well as or better than they can themselves.
   2. Identify the key issues and concerns (not positions) involved.
   3. Determine what results would constitute a fully acceptable solution.
   4. Identify possible new options to achieve those results.

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